My Husband Has Never Commented on My Blog

He should.

I miss Tahiti

That was quick. I miss the lush green hillsides. I miss the sharks in the two foot water. I miss the bright turquoise oysters that clamp shut when you poke at them. I miss natural light that fades before six and I miss the kerosene lanterns that light your way to dinner. I miss someone else making me dinner, but more so I miss talking to friends after dinner and comtemplating how many chords they really do know on the ukelele. I'm guessing about four.

Blog Block

This is weird. I had totally intended to blog about something, and as soon as I click "New Post" it flitters away and leaves me without anything to blog about. So now I'm blogging about not being able to blog. This is starting to resemble the sinking whirlpool of madness.

My Sister's Brilliant Creativity

My sister told me about a screenplay idea last night and it was really good. It has that element of "never been done before" that makes all the great things in the world truly great.

Not that I would ever COMPARE myself to my sister, but I suck. My stupid book lacks that element of new and wonderful story that draws you in. I am at a total loss. I know that a book can still be good (in a mediocre sort of way) without the amazing, brilliant aspect, but at the same point in time I know that truly GREAT works don't ever come without that element.

This is depressing.

There is a new guy at work who just accepted an entry level position doing something that he has never done before. Boss lady let me look at his resume and he has spent the past five years as a freelance writer for various medium-sized papers around the country. What's weird is that now he is asking $11.00 an hour for a steady paycheck and benefits.

Just goes to show that the grass is always greener...

Page One

There is something incredibly daunting about the phrase "page one rewrite" but I am at the point with Book One that I think it needs it. At least the first chapter. I have rewritten the prologue to be much, MUCH more robust, so now it seems that the rest of the novel needs some attention as well. I have been away from it for so long that I am able to really, objectively look at if for probably the first time, and it is scattered, chaotic, and uninteresting. The first five pages, that is. The rest of it I have not yet re-read.

My goal is to read the whole thing, find the good points, identify the bad points, and come up with a plan to really clean it up. I think Book Two is on a semi-permanent hiatus anyway. It was starting to get weird. I know that these books have basically written themselves, but in truth, I don't know where it is going anymore. And the really sad part is that the scenes that play themselves out in my mind on a regular basis are in Book Three and Book Four, and so I haven't written them down yet. I don't want to write them now, because momentum changes things for the better sometimes, but I also don't want to say farewell, because they are truthfully why I am writing in the first place.

Yikes.

On a good note, Kung Fu comes back today. I am a little nervous, but also excited. I just hope my chest protector is in. I don't want to borrow or anything, I just want to have. I think getting back into it will bring some of the fire back into my life. I need that. It is a fabulous release.

Anyway, enough for now.

Now what?

So, the wedding is over...now what? When something fill the hallways, bedrooms, vaulted ceilings, and basements of your mind for two years, it is easy to blame lack of contribution to society on it.

Now what?

I am sitting here, unable to think straight, unorganized, and with the sudden, and horrible, realization that I am not doing ANYTHING with my life.

Rather than rant (my head is tired) let me tell you instead what I have considered as an option of getting out of this post-ceremonial funk.

I looked into starting a new path in life. Specifically getting a degree from UCSD in Japanese Studies. I know this sounds crazy (and it probably is) but I think there will be a very big industry in people who can cross communicate (well) between the US market and the Japanese market. I have been enjoying working with Our Big Japanese Customer (OBJC) so much that I think it would be a really great career path.

But let's be serious about this for two seconds. I am okay at my job. I tell everyone that I kick ass, but that is because no one would ever be the wiser. So what if I do move? Is this the culmination of years of intense self-focused psyche realization? No. This is yet another attempt to try and fill my life with meaning, to somehow contribute to society on the large scale and to find joy (and success) in my work life. I am trying to be my father. He LOVES his job. He is a workaholic and it has made him successful in life. (Oh, and in Tahiti I met some Japanese people and I said "I speak a little Japanese" in Japanese and they both actually sat straight up with mouths wide open and started speaking to me. I didn't understand a word, but when I got them to speak English again, the woman told me that I had perfect pronunciation. :) ) That made me REALLY happy. I've ALWAYS wanted to be bilingual, but could never manage it, even with Spanish.

At any rate, the real REAL reason that I am looking for other things to do in life is because I am afraid that I am already a failure at both writing and photography. I didn't take the rejection TOO bad from TOR because I was getting married in a few months and had other things to worry about. Now, however, I am back from the honeymoon, settling into life, and realizing for probably the first time how many balls it took for me to send it in the first place. I don't know what to do for a second time. I don't want to edit it for a million years, and I also don't want to waste my time on something that is never going anywhere. If Book One is never going anywhere, what is the point of writing Book Two? And three, and four... They DEPEND on each other.

I know what some of you are thinking. You are thinking, "It doesn't matter if it ever gets published because the act of writing it in the first place is what really counts. It makes you a better writer." That doesn't help me AT ALL though because in reality if it takes three or four years to write and perfect each one, and all four of these have to be written before I will get my mind back for the next story, then I won't be able to do ANYTHING with writing for the next nine to twelve years. I guarantee that would be the end of me as a writer...without even starting.

So it leads me back to wanting to perfect B1 and work until it is published, and then focus on the others. Which, I know, is a tremendously ridiculous goal, so why not give up already?

Updates:

Writing: I don't want to talk about it.

Photography: Got some nice shots in Tahiti, but nothing worth putting a show together. It was nice just to get out with the camera again.

Piano: Nothing.

Kung Fu: Well, I have been out of it for almost a full four weeks. I will be DYING come Monday, but I will be back into it. It is important for me to keep that going because it helps clear my head when I am working out. Plus, although I didn't gain any weight during the honeymoon, I lost a lot of muscle and gained a LOT of fat. I need to get that off to feel better about myself as well.

Visual Arts: Nothing.

Work: Oh yeah, and my boss gave two months notice while I was in Tahiti. She is my connection to sanity at this job. I don't know what I am going to do.

Soft, Fuzzy Demon

So Oggie is a BAD KITTY. Apparently he likes to claw the eyes of his cousins. Bad little nasty hobitses...

On the other hand, beautiful Isis is a bit worse for the wear after her vacation in demon land. (Demon land being proximity with Oggie, but not in any way the care taking or care takers involved!!) I don't think she can take him in smaller spaces like that. She is very jumpy and randomly swipes at him and then runs away with an "Oh sh*t!" look on her face. They fought again last night. I don't know what to do about him. He intimidates her so badly that she doesn't even want to spend time with us anymore. If he comes around, she looks at him and then moves away from us.

What do I do? She is a good kitty, but he is my little dependent baby!!! But he can't go around hurting other kitties!!! Is it crazy to actually be wondering if a cat psychiatrist would be able to help? Don't answer that question...I know the answer, but I am desperate. Poor kitties, all three of them. Poor cousin for the eye pain and lamp shade, poor Isis for the mental and physical oppression, and poor Oggie for being unable to be sociable.

HELP!!!!

My Cover has been Blown

You know when you first get back to work you try and exist incognito for a while?

My cover was just blown by one of my "favorite" people in the company. He loudly came to visit me and left my door wide open. Blah. Now I will not have any time to myself for the rest of the day. Blah.

Maururuu Tahiti

I could not possibly fit the entirety of our adventure in Tahiti into a single blog without bogging down the reader, and the writer, and missing the spontaneity and bliss that was Tahiti.

Highlights:

• Meeting Alun, Sylvie, Larissa, Bernard, and Mahine
  
• Meeting Pablo y Carolina
  
• Having Josephine (island dog) on our porch every morning waiting for us
  
• Spear-fishing
  
• Snorkeling at will in front of our bungalow
  
• Swimming with Sting Rays
  
• Shark feeding (not of appendages, but of previously dead and frozen fish parts)
  
• See the sky that the planetarium always said was there
  
• Shooting star
  
• Warrior dancing
  
• Polynesian dancing
  
• Steve in a pareo (as requested, and appreciated, by Alun)
  
• Rowing the pirogue across the lagoon to a deserted motu
  
• The goodbye song from Sauvage
  

I will write as I can about individual events...but in truth, you should all go and see it for yourselves.