Now what?

So, the wedding is over...now what? When something fill the hallways, bedrooms, vaulted ceilings, and basements of your mind for two years, it is easy to blame lack of contribution to society on it.

Now what?

I am sitting here, unable to think straight, unorganized, and with the sudden, and horrible, realization that I am not doing ANYTHING with my life.

Rather than rant (my head is tired) let me tell you instead what I have considered as an option of getting out of this post-ceremonial funk.

I looked into starting a new path in life. Specifically getting a degree from UCSD in Japanese Studies. I know this sounds crazy (and it probably is) but I think there will be a very big industry in people who can cross communicate (well) between the US market and the Japanese market. I have been enjoying working with Our Big Japanese Customer (OBJC) so much that I think it would be a really great career path.

But let's be serious about this for two seconds. I am okay at my job. I tell everyone that I kick ass, but that is because no one would ever be the wiser. So what if I do move? Is this the culmination of years of intense self-focused psyche realization? No. This is yet another attempt to try and fill my life with meaning, to somehow contribute to society on the large scale and to find joy (and success) in my work life. I am trying to be my father. He LOVES his job. He is a workaholic and it has made him successful in life. (Oh, and in Tahiti I met some Japanese people and I said "I speak a little Japanese" in Japanese and they both actually sat straight up with mouths wide open and started speaking to me. I didn't understand a word, but when I got them to speak English again, the woman told me that I had perfect pronunciation. :) ) That made me REALLY happy. I've ALWAYS wanted to be bilingual, but could never manage it, even with Spanish.

At any rate, the real REAL reason that I am looking for other things to do in life is because I am afraid that I am already a failure at both writing and photography. I didn't take the rejection TOO bad from TOR because I was getting married in a few months and had other things to worry about. Now, however, I am back from the honeymoon, settling into life, and realizing for probably the first time how many balls it took for me to send it in the first place. I don't know what to do for a second time. I don't want to edit it for a million years, and I also don't want to waste my time on something that is never going anywhere. If Book One is never going anywhere, what is the point of writing Book Two? And three, and four... They DEPEND on each other.

I know what some of you are thinking. You are thinking, "It doesn't matter if it ever gets published because the act of writing it in the first place is what really counts. It makes you a better writer." That doesn't help me AT ALL though because in reality if it takes three or four years to write and perfect each one, and all four of these have to be written before I will get my mind back for the next story, then I won't be able to do ANYTHING with writing for the next nine to twelve years. I guarantee that would be the end of me as a writer...without even starting.

So it leads me back to wanting to perfect B1 and work until it is published, and then focus on the others. Which, I know, is a tremendously ridiculous goal, so why not give up already?

Updates:

Writing: I don't want to talk about it.

Photography: Got some nice shots in Tahiti, but nothing worth putting a show together. It was nice just to get out with the camera again.

Piano: Nothing.

Kung Fu: Well, I have been out of it for almost a full four weeks. I will be DYING come Monday, but I will be back into it. It is important for me to keep that going because it helps clear my head when I am working out. Plus, although I didn't gain any weight during the honeymoon, I lost a lot of muscle and gained a LOT of fat. I need to get that off to feel better about myself as well.

Visual Arts: Nothing.

Work: Oh yeah, and my boss gave two months notice while I was in Tahiti. She is my connection to sanity at this job. I don't know what I am going to do.