Stupid Creative Passions

I miss writing. Miss it with a great and furious passion. When I read passages from this very blog that I have written months, years ago, I am sometimes overcome with sadness that I don't have more recent writings that I can engage myself in. The me of then and the me of now, now, now. I like my writing. I like it very much. I just read an entry from when I first discovered Muse ages ago. Back when jb was 29 and commiserating that 23-year-old musicians were telling him about life. I am 29 now. What does that mean? Where are we all headed beyond forward, forward, forward? I have lost that second, and now that one. Of course I try and live in the now, try and recognize that I enjoy rf and rsb and rl for who they are in the here and now, even though I will probably lose them in two years when I graduate. From a completely pragmatic standpoint I am already sad that someday I will lose them.

The more pressing question, though, is what to do with my life. Yes, I am at Brooks, yes I am trying my very best to excel and learn what I need to learn to be... what? To be a photographer? I probably have that information already, so why don't I leave now? Or, rather, should I leave now? But then there is the concern of the MFA. Do I really want to teach? Of course I may have the opportunity soon, possibly to teach English, but I am questioning everything. I am very, miraculously, incredibly in debt right now. Enough so that even if I went back to my Auditing lifestyle (which was very well compensated) I would be hurting every month. Of course sf's paycheck is keeping me afloat, but we have a mortgage with no property value, rent in sb, cost of living both in sd and sb, and the list goes on. So then what? Leave now and try to be a commercial photographer? That involves an incredible amount of subservience to someone who is established, but why not? That is a path. Do I stay where I am, teach, get the MFA, and get more debt? Do I want to teach and be a fine artist or be a commercial and assignment photographer?

I don't expect answers from you, the general blogosphere, but I am seeking answers. There doesn't seem to be a great machine that you can punch in all the appropriate facts and get a life answer. What do I do? How do I solve the great questions of life? How do I chose the rest of my life? Doesn't that in and of itself sound like a crazy concept? Chose the path for the rest of your life! I can't deal with that kind of enormity. I just know that some of the paths, such as commercial and assignment, involve me being more applied to seeking out assistantships and internships now. If I teach, I can't do that. If I don't teach, I shouldn't be in the MFA. It is too large, too beyond my control. I have friends who are becoming quite successful now as assistants and I had one dead end internship that has sworn me off of the whole process. Three months of my life dedicated to an office with no payment, no experience, no knowledge, and not a single shoot with the photographer that I was supposedly interning for. It is a crock, I know, but that is the only thing I have on my resume.

I believe, whole-heartedly, that things happen for a reason. So was I meant to have a crappy internship so that I would be drawn back to teaching? Or not? Should I fight for more photography related activities? Should I try to assist again? Should I try to get individual jobs? Total, in my entire career, I have made $550.00 as a photographer. I am a complete lie. The legal definition of a professional creative is when you make more money doing your creative pursuit than you do at anything else in your life. By that logic I am a professional TA. What does that do for me? I feel like I need to make bold strokes. Big decisions. Elemental changes. And yet I don't have any idea what these should be.

Oh, and I miss writing.