Making Friends is like Dating

I have been out of the dating scene for a while, but it seems that making friends is not that dissimilar to trying to find that special someone.

You have to scout prospective friends. You learn what you can about them without seeming too interested, because a desperate friend is as bad (or worse) than a desperate love interest. (You can always break up with a love interest.) You chose a couple of possible candidates and, if you're lucky, you get the opportunity to interact with new-friend-possibility in a group setting. This can help you narrow your search. Then you dangle a generic invitation, like "We should totally do lunch sometime!" and see if prospective friend bites.

If you are lucky enough to have found a good catch, then you have to be careful with your new friend. You can't suggest lunch again too soon, and it would be even better to wait for them to throw out the invitation. If, however, you have eaten lunch alone for the past year and are eager to start your new friendship, you have to cast a harmless invite that doesn't seem to have any hooks or lures attached. You must also beware of gentle rejections, such as "I have a doctor's appointment," or "I really like to do my laundry during lunch," and back off without too many invested friend hours.

And then if you do actually go to lunch, you have to keep interest alive. What good is a friend without common interests? Friends cannot have comfortable silence before a serious time investment. First lunches are crucial to establishing the "I think we have more to talk about!" atmosphere. Keep your first lunch short to prevent running out of topics of conversation or seeming too interested or desperate for coworker conversation. Never discuss extreme aspects of your personality (unless that IS the aspect of your personality that it extreme.) DO NOT discuss religion or politics. These are things that established friends can debate over, but that destroy new friends immediately.

Never suggest a second lunch within a week. Let it rest. Let your new friend start to want to go to lunch again. Here is another opportunity to let your new friend extend the invitation. If you cannot wait, again, be sure you are equally casual and have given plenty of time between the first lunch and the second lunch invitation.

You also have to beware of friend cliques. These may, at first, seem like a good alternative to finding your own friends, but you are a fifth wheel. Groups of women who routinely go out together once or more a week will NOT accept you as one of their own. Even an invitation to these lunches should be warily accepted. Chances are, they want information and not company.

Lastly, lunches alone should not be feared. The individual that is comfortable on their own will be intriguing to the prospective friend population, because if you eat with them it is not because you were afraid or ashamed to eat alone.

This, at least, is what I have determined.