Lost in Translation

I find the translations to English of some of the Chinese writing quite funny. Such as: Beauty Saloon, Breakfast Rool, Mooncakes with a variety of filings, We reserve the right of explanation, Fire Off (still not sure what this even means, though I was glad it wasn't "On" at the time,) and of course, my favorite, "Be severe with your butter and jam."

Here is my interpretation...

Oh ye most deceitful of dairy, you churned mush of frozen pastuerized posturing. How dare you sit idly on top of my croissant and press so heavily into the glorious, flaky crust, ruining that which I delight in. You are no match for your spreadable cousin, that of margarine and substitute are smooth and generous, spreading about their contributions to the whole breakfast bread without so much as a crinkle. You are nothing if not your specified function, and yet you refuse to melt into a semblance of coverage about my pastry. I scorn you, wicked temptress of condiments, I curse your solid nature and your unwillingness to conform to my wishes. You are a meaningless curd of an obsolete tradition. I replace you with a proprietor of velvety application. I wish only for consistency in my morning mouthfuls, and you fail to deliver. I am done with you. I don't want to see your molded shape again.

And as for you, jam...you're okay, I guess.