What does not kill me . . .

I am taking issue with that saying. I understand the metaphorical implications, but I am tired of being tired, run down, in pain, and generally feeling useless. And that is just in relation to the surgery.

There are so many other aspects of life that have that same taste - that of being difficult, inconceivable, seemingly unfair - that the adage is growing weary. I am starting to wonder if the promised strength builds up over time, like banking karma points, or if it is more like a video game character that has a certain life span that can be replenished and then drained, but only in certain amounts.

I guess what I am wondering is if I have had a chance to recover from any of the obstacles of the last seven years to really get to take advantage of my garnered strength or if the repeated slap downs from the universe are in such rapid succession that the promised integrity has ultimately been squandered before it could be utilized. (And as a side note, wondering if we broke a mirror . . .)

But I have also realized of late that I have developed a thicker skin. I don't take it nearly as hard as I have in the past when prospective job leads don't call me back, or when odd little gremlins despise me based on where I received my education, or when really nice photographers don't think they have a place for me in their ranks because I am not really one of them. Eh. I have had successes, I feel like I am on the road to something that I will enjoy - be it working as a writer and finding temp work to pay the bills or actually teaching I can't be sure - but I have faith. Maybe that is the strength. Maybe the mythic fortitude comes in the form of slowly growing a skin to the point that you don't care anymore what lies on the sides, or even in the way of, the path but instead see with a precise tunnel vision that there is a goal, a light at the end of the road.

Just keep swimming. Just keep swimming.

I think the real genius of Dori isn't the inherent perseverance, but the inexplicable joy. I am going to try and maintain that despite everything else. At least until we lose the house.