Bleeding.

I feel like I am bleeding. Not in a physical "call the doctor" way, but in a more emotional way. I think part of it is because I am almost 30. I feel like some elemental part of what I was supposed to do up until this point that hasn't yet been accomplished is seeping away. I imagine, also, that this is perception, but it feels somewhat tangible. Feels like bleeding.

I am going to be somewhat alone on my birthday and that is starting to make me lonely. I have friends in the MFA that are asking if I want a party or a "martini crawl" but I am not in a place where those things really appeal anymore. You know what I wanted? A magician. I kid you not. I want to feel like I am six years old again, and that involves me interacting with a magician.

I realize this is not only not possible, it is not practical. It won't happen. It shouldn't happen. I can't expect it to happen, but I want to feel young, not old. I want to be excited and actually spontaneously giggle. I don't want to feel "past my prime" as one friend unfortunately put it, though he immediately said "I didn't mean that like it sounded!!"

The exact sentence was in relation to why I had so many bruises, and he said "perhaps you are like a fruit that's past its prime."

Sigh.