A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

I can't really, truthfully, put into words what true inspiration feels like. Not an "Oh My Gosh" moment, or a creative flicker, I am talking about one person truly motivating and inspiring another. I can't express the electric, tangible exchange of fire that happens when you can step outside your shell and turn to see what you might actually be. Not what you have convinced yourself you are, or have to be, but that mysterious potential existence that can only be revealed by lifting the curtain that is self-doubt, fear, and the evil presence of naysayers and dream catchers.

My current instructor stepped beyond the curriculum today, out into a vast blackness that he lit up for us with the glow of potential. We were critiqued, corrected, taught, and adjusted until we began to grasp concepts that haven't been appropriately delivered up unto this point. I can see how clearly I have been undermining my own work, my own potential. I can see how my beautiful, analytical mind has been choking and smothering my creative in an attempt at academic perfection without true consideration of my creative existence. It is the cause of the greatest fear that I have. I know, unequivocally, that acing every class, garnering all my A's, means nothing in the "real world." Part of me wants to stay in academia forever because it is safer. It means a steady paycheck, four secure walls, and the chance to do something that I am good at that is very, very close to what I love. My creative mind, pushing up sprouts through layers of ice and snow, understands, also unequivocally, that I want to be a shooter. I want to be a photographer for the rest of my life. I want to be respected for my art. That is terrifying. It is something that is impossible to describe to someone who has never pursued an artistic career, and something that needs no explanation to those who have.

Today was a day of great inspiration. Today I lined up four models, three make-up artists, and the first two of four shoots for the week ahead. I located backdrops, wardrobe, and an appropriate studio. I finally did the things I have been needing to do for the last two weeks. Why? I was inspired to look beyond my fear and be active instead. I may not be perfect. I may not have an effortless transition from concept to print, but I am that much closer. Hundreds of miles closer. I am not explaining this well. I am not even touching on how wonderful my instructor was today, how motivating. I have tried to explain it already on the phone and it was not right, not full of the breath and life that the scenario actually has. I can't impress upon this luminescent screen the change, the fluttering wing emerging from the cocoon of sheltered education and academic achievement and tasting the clean, fresh air of possibility.

I hope to take away a few things from this remarkable day. First, I will not live a life in fear. Second, I will not let my wonderful analytical self dissuade my equally wonderful creative self. And Third, I will balance out the fearless with the pragmatic, the bold with the discreet, and the careless with the careful. But I swear upon my honor that I will fight to my very last breath to preserve the honesty and unique self that is my artist.