Mona

I don't even know where to begin. Today was... Well, let me start at the beginning.

As evidenced by my previous post, I had lost a great deal of confidence. Confidence in my "eye," which I have never before doubted, confidence in my conceptual understanding, confidence in my decision to come here, and, ultimately, confidence in myself.

So despite a great nights sleep (no kitties or SPF) I awoke with the same kind of oppressive depression that overtakes me whenever self-doubt is particularly cruel. None the less, I knew I had to get up, I had to develop the two rolls of film that I shot yesterday, and I had to print the proof sheets, pick two images, print them, and mount them all before I could leave the darkroom today.

I already knew that I had switched the function of the aperature in my mind, so I already knew that one roll that was supposed to have minimal depth of field was going to have precise and extensive depth of field. Not what I had wanted to go for and therefore a depressing fact. I also got yelled at a lot by locals during the shooting of my second roll yesterday, so instead of casual portraits with natural light, I knew that I had shots of a more vaueristic quality, where my subjects rarely, if ever, knew I was there. But I'll be damned if the depth of field wasn't right this time.

I got to the darkroom at 9:00 a.m. as soon as it opened. I developed both rolls and I extended the amount of fix this time to prevent the same fix drama from the day before.

Try to imagine my dismay when, yet again, the negatives were not fixed properly and I had to REFIX THEM AGAIN! This is getting old. I wanted to kill someone. I almost threw random things across the room. I almost tried to put my fist through the wall. But I didn't. I took my re-fixed negatives and I made the first contact sheet. My instructor liked one of the images, so I thought I would try to print it. After the test print he and I decided on an exposure time and an increase in filter. I printed the image again, made one more filter adjustment, and it was done. I took it back to him and said "Is the detail in the white sufficient? Are the blacks black enough? Should I burn and dodge anything?"

He replied, simply, "No."

"No? So this is okay?"

"Yep. Just as it is."

Just as it is. For those of you who have printed black and white, you understand that the excercise of exposing a perfect negative is difficult. If you have a perfect negative, then you have to find a way to perfectly print it, and even then, you usually have to adjust something in the print that is detracting from the overall composition. I did none of these things. Just as it is meant no burning, no dodging. It meant that not only was the negative worthy, but the printing had been precise, the contrast perfect, and the composition arranged in such as way as to eliminate the need for further manipulation.

Okay. I'll take it. That is a confidence boost. No problem. He looked at the remainder of the proof sheet and picked another that he wanted to see. At that point he announced that he was leaving for the day and waved a general goodbye to the class. And then, to me, and only me, he held a thumbs up and nodded once in approval. Hee hee heeeee. I got a thumbs up head nod approval.

Okay, I'll take that too. Doobie doobie doobie. This would be the point in time when I brought out the iPod and cranked The Chemical Brothers. I returned to the contact sheet and looked at the image that he had chosen. I didn't care for it. The background was distracting, which was particularly painful because I had intended it to be a diffuse blur. So I decided to make a proof sheet of the second roll, which I had little hope for.

And there she was. My muse, my Rembrandt, my Da Vinci - a perfect expression made with perfect features of creamy, smooth skin. The background was diffuse, as well as almost solid black, accentuating her features and perfectly shinning halo of golden locks. Locks. I swear to you, locks. Her black jacket was perfectly discernable from the wall, her white shirt framing her neck and face, hands crossed demurely in her lap.

She was very easy to print, and after less than an hour I had a print that would have sufficed, but I wasn't satisfied. The background faded to gray in the corner and drew the attention of the eye away from the portrait. So I burned the corner in. I made an almost equivalent print twelve times before I had one that was perfect. And so I took both prints, mounted them, and now they sit on my desk waiting for Monday because my first assignment is finished.

CONFIDENCE!!!! CONFIDENCE!!!! CONFIDENCE!!!! CONFIDENCE!!!!