Bacholorette Party Weekend

Wow.  Where to begin.  Dains came in on Friday night and we hung out until 2ish talking and working on various things.  She was putting together the bridesmaid and bacholorette gifts and I was working on favors and decorations for the wedding.  Relatively normal night.
 
Saturday started easily enough.  We got up and got ready and waited for Jay to show up so that we could get some food and head down to the spa.  We ate at a little cafe and then headed down to the spa while SF headed back to the condo to enjoy solitude for the rest of the day.
 
THE SPA
Not exactly what we had pictured, I imagine.  It was set in a mini-strip mall that was under a five or so story office building.  We missed it the first time we drove past and then found it on the second pass.  It was a little dark inside and there was no "spa" to speak of, but rather some rooms with various tables for massages or facials or whatnot.  Dains went in first while we waited outside in some chairs in a hallway.  There was a woman painting an asian landscape scene on the wall.  It was interesting to watch her for about five minutes.
 
Then I went into my facial.  WOAH!  I admit I was unprepared for the facial.  I had thought that it would most likely be a relaxing experience.  I was escorted into the room by a woman who we will call Natila the Hunn.  Nat for short.  Once I got used to the relatively brusque approach to skin care, I tried to sit back and relax and let her attack me with various creams, toners, rotating brushes and swabs.  I was unprepared for the vacuum.  The process begins with some chemical treatments meant to aid in exfoliation or deep pore cleansing.  It is not too terrible, once you get used to the abrupt manner in which she applies the product and takes it off.  Even with the brushes I thought to myself, "This isn't too bad.  Maybe I should just relax a little."  There was nice harp music in the background and I was finally slipping into a state of more comfort.  The first sign of trouble was the cacophonous suctioning sound the vacuum makes.  The harp music was lost immediately and replaced by a terrifying dance of sound between the vacuum while it sucks air and the vacuum that is clogged with the hand fat of Nat.  Once you realize that she is testing the suction "grip" of the device, it is placed ravenously on your skin.  Two phrases from films came to mind.  The first from Finding Nemo "Good feeling gone!" and the second from Wayne's World "It's sucking my will to live!!!"  I, of course, and alternating between wanting to scream out and wanting to laugh hysterically.
 
It gets worse.  After the sucking vibramatic action is over, the "extraction" begins.  There was no pore safe from the hands of Nat, and no stopping her merciless search for brooding blackheads.  At the time I thought she was about to break my nose as my head gradually and then abruptly turned away from her persistent claws as the pain intensified.  After the "extraction" I was subjected to a hot red glowing rod that was meant to kill bacteria.  It shouldn't have hurt, theorhetically, but it actually was throwing sparks across my face.  I would have asked for a calibration sticker, but the moment passed.  Then out she went and I was left to sit on the table with a cool wet cloth across my eyes as my mouth twitched intermittently into a tight smile as I tried again not to break out in laughter.
 
A nice French woman then escorted me to my steam cabinet.  I was told to remove my robe, which I was wearing over my little towel wrap thing, and to get into the cabinet.  I did as I was told.  It was not until the towel was soaking wet (along with my thong) that the French woman checked on me and began to cry out for me to take off the wrap!  "Take it off!!  Take it off now!!"  And so I disrobed with immediacy because it was obvious I was breaking some huge spa rule, unbeknowest to me.  Now, however, I have a pair of soaking wet underwear in my hand, a cheerful, but outspoken, French woman telling the whole spa that I have entered the cabinet clothed (which is apparently quite amusing to a spa worker) and a sudden attack of horror that I am going to be scolded again for holding the wet underwear.  I did what any sane woman in my situation would have done, and tied my hair back with my hair band wrapped around my underwear.
 
When I got into the room I promptly took it out of my hair and assured her that I hadn't been wearing anything else in the steam cabinet so that she would not make another story out of me for her friends.  She didn't seem to notice the underwear dripping on the shelf where my clothes were kept.  The massage was nice enough, but when it was over, I had a now cold pair of underwear to put back on under my jeans so that we could drive back to my house and the real party could begin.
 
PARTY
I will leave out the sultry details of the in-house party.  There were "toys" handed out, some "candy," and some unmentionables.  I was crowned with my princess headband and we headed down the freeway to our destination.
 
BAR PARTY
I will tell you what I remember.  This doesn't mean I blacked out, because I didn't, but there are some things that will probably slip my mind in the telling.  We arrived, got our arms stamped, and proceeded to order apettizers and dinner.  I ordered some jalepeno poppers and a burger with fries (with the intent of having some starchy food in my stomach to soak up some of the alcohol.)  I ate the poppers (with the girls) and then had to begin my tasks when dinner started.  I ate some and then pursued my first task of finding a guy named Steve.  I will lay out the tasks that I remember in no particular order:
- Find a guy named Steve, kiss him on the cheek and take a picture with him.  (Achieved with a guy named Stevie, most likely actually Estefan.)
- Ask a guy for a condom and the blow it up.  (Achieved with the purchase of one beer.  Thank you John.)
- Find three guys who will tell you the size of their members and write down their names and sizes.  (Unfortunatley, we got a bit of a view on this one...but achieved none the less.  Can't remember the names, but they are written down.  Three Australian guys.)
- Ask a divorced man three things not to do in bed (not achieved, very difficult task)
- Kiss (on the cheek) fifteen guys in five minutes (ACHIEVED!!)
- Find a guy with a mustache and Kiss him on the cheek.  (Achieved, though it was more of a goatee.)
- Get down and dirty with a beer bottle (actually used Smirnoff Ice, but there are pictures to prove I did this one.  I named it Mr. Smirnoff.)
- Perform a 45 second lap dance.  (Done.  Got a round of shots and a dollar bill out of this one.  Named Zach I think.)
- Do a bj shot off a stranger  (Done.  His name was Matthew.)
- Find a guy with white socks and kiss him on the cheek.  (Didn't get a name off of this one, but he was probably the most squirly guy in the bunch.)
 
And, if that weren't enough, that is all that comes to mind.  I did fairly well, I think.  Only one not accomplished, and only cheated a little.  (I used wait staff to help me, though they never came through, and we did purchase some beer for the one guy.)
 
At any rate, at the end of each task I was given an article of clothing to wear for the rest of the night.  These included a pacifier that was...altered to resemble something else, a lacy bra and panty set that tied on over my clothes, a garter, a veil, devil horns, and "prisoner of love" handcuffs.
 
Then we danced for a while with some new friends (one of whom has invited himself to my wedding to be Dains' date.)  Then we drove T home and apparently had some car trouble that I slept through and then got home.  I still had my house key and my ID, the former of which I used to get into the condo (though apparently the door had been unlocked) and we all went to bed.  SF had made up all three beds (sweetie) and we didn't have any trouble.  Dains showered and then I didn't see anyone again until the next day at 8:00 when Jay came in to tell me she was driving home.
 
Laid back day with Dains that ended in a trip to the airport and then a trip to the gallery to see AC.  It was actually a very nice weekend.  THANK YOU LADIES!!!!!