The Unbearable Being of Nothingness

It is remarkable how much I assumed I would be able to get done once I was unemployed and how little I have actually managed to get done. I was going to "show up to the page" and "show up to the piano" each and every day. Unless you count this as "showing up to the page" I have not accomplished either in my three days of righteous freedom. There is actually not a lot of time in the day. Admittedly, the house is cleaner, the laundry almost done, the litter boxes clean, and the garden has fewer weeds, but that wasn't the goal! The goal was self-improvement. The goal was gearing up for school, gearing up for creativity, gearing up for separation, which I have remarkably been able to thoroughly suppress and deny.

I met SPF for lunch on Wed and that took three hours. Three!! I drove down, we had a nice Persian lunch, and I drove back. I didn't even have the kitchen clean after that. And then there was my therapeutic massage appointment yesterday because my shoulder has been acting up, and that took almost two and a half with traffic. Plus, I was so sore that I didn't go to Kung Fu last night! I am not meeting my own expectations.

I did turn the TV on both days, and I think that is part of the problem. But I usually have the TV on when I fold laundry as a distraction. And there was SO MUCH LAUNDRY!! The last load is in the dryer now and I started on Monday. I just want to be productive, helpful, and, I am noticing more and more, useful. I don't feel like a contributing member of society anymore.

Now don't get me wrong. There is nothing wrong with being a housewife, but doesn't that normally come along with kids? If I was chasing after two or three little AQ and SPF's, that would be different. I WOULD be contributing, because my DNA would be running around. But I have no kids. No needy dogs, even. Truthfully, I think the cats are starting to be bored having me around. I don't get lap time anymore. I don't get nuzzled. In fact, I usually only have the pleasure of being in the room when they poo. I think it's a hint. I think I should leave.

I do want to get out of the house on a daily basis, though. I knew that before I left the corporate world. I want to at least go to lunch with a good book (which I did yesterday) or go to the beach or go for a walk. That is the only was to stay sane, I think. I will try. I should probably go and get some food pretty soon. Because I am still reading The Da Vinci Code and I still only read during lunch.

Strange what habits stick.